Movie: Moron 5 and the Crying Lady

I wanted to post the official synopsis of the movie, but it was too long, and too full of run on sentences, that I finally decided against it. Instead, here’s the cliff notes version of the movie’s plot:

We follow five friends, portrayed by Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, DJ Durano, Martin Escudero and Marvin Agustin. I’m not even going to give you their names because pretty much act as one unit throughout the whole movie, with one main characteristic that gives them “identity.” Luis is the leader and the “most handsome”, Billy is the one who would do anything for food, DJ is the most stupid of the lot, Martin is the one who always finds a plot moving clue unwittingly, and Marvin is the one who is quick to anger. Aside from these “personalities” they kind of act alike: moronic. Which, I guess, makes the movie’s title very apt.

Anyway, these five friends unintentionally ruin the life of a Becky Pamintuan (John Lapus) when they accidentally reveal to her husband-to-be that she is transgendered. The husband-to-be dies of heart failure, and Becky swears vengeance on our five protagonists. Setting them up for a murder they did not commit (though, because of a sight gag, they might as well have), and then sending them to prison so they could rot for the rest of their life. Except they don’t. Because they escape and they go to extraordinary lengths to prove that they are innocent.

Now, I was on the fence on whether I was going to watch this movie or not. A second viewing of the trailer made me realize that, hey, this might not be bad at all. So I soldiered the heat and went to the nearest mall to catch the movie. After the first thirty minutes, I knew I made a mistake. I should’ve trusted my first judgment. I shouldn’t have watched the movie.

The thing is, I can’t say the movie wasn’t funny. I found myself wanting to chuckle a couple of times, both because of comedian John Lapus, whose comic timing is still impeccable. It was just that the material was so lacking, that I felt if Sweet (the handle John Lapus uses in the industry) was given free reign, his scenes might have been funnier. Aside from this, the few people who were watching with me seemed to be enjoying themselves. Heck, there was one group who kept laughing out loud at the antics of five moronic friends! So, I guess the movie was working for its target market.

And much as I don’t want to nitpick, because this is not the movie that really cares about logic or continuity, I had a lot of facepalm moments in the second half of the movie when the vengeful genius of Sweet’s character was reduced to a stereotypical villain–complete with a psychotic subplot, a sudden murderous streak, and a scheme that would make the lowliest villain shake its head at its ineffectiveness. Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that the character who was able to orchestrate the frame up of five morons were shown up by the same people he sent to prison! And don’t get me started on how they actually escaped from prison.

If you plan on watching the movie, prepare to suspend your disbelief. A lot. Heck, check in your brain at the package counter if you can. You’re not going to need it when you watch the film. I just feel really bad for Martin Escudero who had shown so much promise and potential in Zombadings. Now he’ll have this movie to bog down his resumé. Unless, you know, this movie rakes the money in, then it wouldn’t matter that it was really, really bad.

So if you’re on the fence on whether or not you should see this film, here’s my advice: watch the trailer instead. All the good parts are in it. The rest of the movie was just a waste of time.

movie: shake, rattle and roll xii

it’s metro manila film festival (mmff) season once again!

every year, i try to watch as many mmff movies as i can. and i always prioritize SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL, the horror franchise that’s been invading christmases since… well, since 2005. or maybe 2004. i’m hazy on the details. have i been successful? no.

but one thing i’ve noticed in the three SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL movies i have seen (in recent years), there’s always one episode that’s outstanding and well made. of, course that’s not discounting the other episodes which were also good. in the first one i saw since the franchise’s reboot, it was “YAYA” with iza calzado and nash aguas. but it had a strong contender with “LRT” that starred keempee de leon, manilyn reynes, eugene domingo and a slew of forgettable young stars.

i wasn’t able to watch the franchise the year after that, but two years ago i attended the premiere night for SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL X–the tenth movie in the franchise. the strongest contender then was “NIEVES: ENGKANTO SLAYER” which starred marian rivera as the title character, and comedian pekto as her husband that all engkantadas (female elves) wanted for themselves. that year, it’s strongest contender was “CLASS PICTURE” which starred jean garcia as a catholic school girl’s worst nightmare: the nun from hell. though, since “NIEVES” is mostly comedy, i guess the best episode should be “CLASS PICTURE.”

this year, i had high hopes for SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL XII. i don’t know why, but i did. i guess it was because i’ve been enjoying watching the movies that i thought this year, they may have three mind-blowing episodes, instead of just two like they always do. now, i’m not saying the episodes these year were not as good as the previous years (i don’t think nothing can beat an evil christmas tree for the worst monster ever), but well– you be the judge.

here’s a breakdown of the three episodes:

“MAMANYIKA” capitalizes on the creepy doll device. most everyone knows about the CHILD’S PLAY franchise, but one of the scariest doll story i’ve read about was in an episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE. yes, i said “read” not “seen.” i still haven’t found a copy of it–but i’m sure it’s somewhere out here in the internet.

back to the story, “MAMANYIKA” is about a little girl who finds a doll at a cemetery. having lost her mother, she decides to take it home with her and pretend that it’s her mommy. when it starts talking and telling her “mama loves you,” it’s as if the little girl had found herself a new mother.

the problem is, the doll doesn’t like sharing the girl’s affections. and, logic says, no one likes a doll that comes to life. so that’s the main dilemma of this episode.

i don’t know exactly what i didn’t like about this episode. maybe it was the storytelling? maybe it was the acting? the editing? i don’t really know. but it felt lacking in something.

i chalked this off as filler, hoping the following episode would be better.

it was, in a way.

“ISLA,” the second episode is about a mysterious young man who lives by himself in an island. by choice. according to him, he will stay in the island until he completes his promise–which he doesn’t reveal.

and then we have three happy-go-lucky friends who decides to take their vacation at the island. and they start talking about soul mates and destinies–and the female lead decides to go traipsing in the woods alone. smart move.

female lead decides to try finding out who her soul mate–who, of course, turns out to be the mysterious young man. but something also decides in making her the new queen of the under realm. and at this point, i figure that this episode was just an exercise in futility.

the premise of the episode was sound actually. the reason why my synopsis of the events are so lackluster is because i really disliked how the episode was made. it’s the classic story of persephone and hades, with an added filipino flavor. but when the only one likable character in the cast is the male lead’s sounding board–there must be something wrong with the casting, right?

near the end of the episode, i found myself cheering for the monster to kill off the main characters.

by the end of the second story, i found myself wondering what happened to the franchise. it was getting better. i mean, sure it was getting the effect it wanted: people were screaming inside the theater. but it was just cheap scares! that is, until “PUNERARYA” started.

it’s true what they say about saving the best for last. “PUNERARYA,” in my opinion, is one of the most well-written and well-made horror stories ever. and i think it now holds top position in my top five SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL episodes.

“PUNERARYA” centers on a teacher who takes on the job of being tutor to two special children. the children’s father is the owner of a funeral parlor, and the family lives just behind their business. everything seems a little weird inside the family home and the funeral parlor, but the teacher thinks she’ll get used to it.

that is, until she discovers that her youngest charge is being maltreated. when he is forbidden to tell her more about the abuse he’s getting, he decides to tell her the family’s secret through hide-and-seek. but what the teacher discovers about the family is something she might not be able to handle. and it’s not something the family would like anyone else to find out about.

nothing is what it seems in this last episode of SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL XII. this is the kind of film you get when you have a very well-written story, and you partner it with an amazing production team. everything is planted. nothing is forgotten.

you will be screaming your lungs out.

“PUNERARYA” alone is worth the admission price.